KILLING ANIMALS FOR JESUS

Because killing animals feels good, when a man's feeling bad. - - - - - - - GENESIS 9:2 "The fear of you and the dread of you will be on every animal of the earth, and on every bird of the sky. Everything that the ground teems with, and all the fish of the sea are delivered into your hand."

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Biggest Little Things in Reno


PACKING FOR YOUR NEXT HUNTING TRIP!!


Dear readers on the right,
I'm back from the greatest hunting convention ever in the world. Safari Club International's Annual Hunting Gatherers in RENO (the biggest little city) Nevada. It's like no other gathering on earth.Over 30,000 animal killing men and over 28 females. And according to the survey results, 98% of these fine brave men consider themselves right-wing, conservative and over weight.
Each and every morning starts with a robust prayer breakfast led by this countries great men of combat giving thanks to our leader Bush and the Father George Herbert Walking Bush. Every morning featured a different strong Christian Non Human Killing expert. The Rev Jerry Fallwell, Rev Bill Frist, Rev Rick Santorum, Rev Steve Largent and Rev Ollie North.
In this 370,000 square foot convention center there were over 2,000 booths most of which were hunting, outfitters and guide companies. However, the one booth that made the biggest impact this year and had a line of thousands of eager and almost desperate sportsmen wrapping frantically around the room twice and out the door to an over flow area which was set up by the Reno police dept just for this purpose.....
was the


__________________special barter advertising section_________________

HUMANZEE's
BIG WHITE HAT... PACKING PRODUCTS
Subtle and sophisticated packing supplies for the modern conservative manly hunter.

This company was developed as a result of years of snickering and putdowns by liberals and non hunters who have unfairly claimed that sportsmen kill animals because of their small sized male genitalia. Well, we have taken those many years of abuse, insults and put downs and molded them into shapely dreams for the discriminating right-wing animal killer.
Providing hunters with useful, confidence boosting hunting tools to aid them with a variety of important packing products for the sometimes difficult task of looking big.


THE NUMBERS DON'T LIE.......

17 NRA "BOUNTIFUL (non lethal tool)" AWARDS!

12 Safari Club International "The Essential" Awards

9 Biblical Hunting (product of the year) Awards

7 Republican Cowboy Awards
(most noteworthy product)

5 Christian Sportsmen (The Most Fundamentlist) Awards

4 Young Republican (Humanitarian Product) Awards

The PATRIOT PACKER!!!

The First original flacid packer
(made from realistic feeling polyurethen petroleum soft texturized rubber )

over 30 million sold!





THE NEW LINE
Texass Pride
(developed personally by the husband and wife team Big White Hat
and Estella Humanzee)



Each packing piece in the new line has its own name and its own special personality.



The BIGGEST seller at the event (45,000 sold over 3 days) was the "Average Joe" packing piece which allows men the high tech sophistication of being able to take a piss without ever having to remove what it is they've packed in.
(urine tube included)
Hunters can now feel proud and confident when they step out into the killing fields with other men watching and shoot down the animal of their dreams.

"This is more than just a feel good product, its really a weapon and a tool you don't ever want to hunt without."
Antonin Scalia
(Right-wing Activist Judge)


Yes, boys, that's me yours truly P Suggs, pictured below here. I killed this big old Buffalo at Rising Sun Game Preserve which was not too far from the convention center and was on the way back to my hotel. There I met Bert who has a custom made packing piece he calls the HOLEHAUSER he had it made back in the winter of 1963.
Well, for only $65, I now have a brand new big fluffy head for the wall in my bible study room back at home and a new packing friend name BERT and his hunting dog Linda!! By the way...I was wearing (packing) my faithful Hugo piece when I blasted this guy here and of course as always, Jesus was with me too. GOD BLESS!
Above: Me, Philbert... packing Hugo on this Kill Bill, Thrill !


From a woman's point of view (looking straight on, at aprox 2 feet above the groin area)



"When you purchase one of our packing products my husband and I consider you a special member of our hunting party and we wish we could be there with everyone of you when you slide it on and pack it in for the first time. Oh..it should slide on easily!! We believe that how a man who kills animals prepares himself visually down below and the equipment he packs in his pants, along with respect and proper compliments given by his fellow hunters is a reflection of a man's dedication towards the American, right-wing, Christian and animal killing way of life."

Mrs. Estella Humanzee
(Its not just for the men anymore, I wear one too now and my husband loves it!)




From the masculine (husband's) point of view.....
(which is usually looking upwards from a kneeling position with his view actually obstructed....)

"When a fella learns to pack right (no pun intended) for his hunting trips he learns the first lesson in feeling noble. Its not the pants or shorts a man wears when he makes a kill, but it's how he fills them up or out and the way it buldges when he shoots his weapon.
A well packed crotch region gives the conservative, patriotic man, a gallant confidence that can add pinpoint accuracy when he be unloading his weapon in front of his buddies or his wife. For the most part, our products were all designed while in the woods alone and scared. They were meditated on during a kill or when attending many NRA or GOP conventions,
where size is always important, yet hard...to find! My wife Estella and I trust that our personal packing hunting products will aid the unsure hunter with the less desirable reality but very important task of feeling (and looking) larger. We get on our knees and pray your fears vanish and that packing will allow you brave men more time for the desperate pleasure we all need from, killing animals."


MR. BIG WHITE HAT HUMANZEE




YOU are gonna Feel and look so big that you'll just wanna open up and expose your private area constantly for the world to see! You'll never have to be nervous again or feel intimidated when it's your turn to stand up and take that shot you've been hungering for all day! And man...when you make that kill Mister Man, you're gonna feel brave, viril, and resolute. Resolute and sure enough to sit right down and relax and relish the moment of taking someone's life....that wanted to keep living. Its a moment you so deserve!! A moment of blood, potent sweat and of intense patriotic victory.... A moment when you'll never have to cross your legs
again sissy style the way liberal non killing secular men do!!


BE BRAVE AND OPEN UP WIDE
WITH PRIDE!!!







If you would like to have a packing piece made special or custom made by our artisians... please contact a professional measurer listed below.
Click here for a master measurer in your area
(Complete professional, intimate and compassionate conservative privacy on your final numbers)

There are over 8,500
official Safari Club licensed measurers in the US alone catering to the Christian conservative gun loving American sportsmen.

This is a great company with a great product made for a great many men!
...............................................................................................................................
the above views do not neccesarily reflect the views of the men who wrote them. They were written by famous ad men in New York City who were not into or comprehending this weird strange subculture of violent right-wing slobs stuffing their private parts into rubberized fake genitalia and then killing animals...just plain weird!!!
However, most awesome compensation was paid to the talented men in NYC by a bunch of wacked out Texas guys gals...whatever!!!And also there was a bartered deal made for the advertisement above and the proprieter (a mr p suggs) of this site and he was given a free custom made Packing item called the Philphlaccid...yikes...OK...enough with this....

25 Comments:

  • At 12:15 PM PST, Blogger Robot Buddha said…

    Thank you so much for this Godly information! You are truely a wise and powerful manly man.

     
  • At 12:20 PM PST, Blogger Betty Jo Goering said…

    I sure like this here post. Since I don't git out much, it's good to here yawl had a great time at that there convention.

    Were there any possums to eat? I sure would like to shoot me one of them big hairy buffilows. They's ugly as sin, and the Lord knows sin is butt UGLY.

    I might buy me some them packers, my man's sorta puny in that area. But then he ain't come home for 2 weeks now so mebbe i don't hafta worry 'bout him no more.

    That Mr. Estella look a bit ill. What's wrong with her?

     
  • At 1:06 PM PST, Blogger Philbert Suggs said…

    B J,

    I think Estella looks great!! I mean she is a little dark for my tastes but she looks good for a woman who's been through years of meth abuse and construction accidents. You know...a door she was installing fell on her upper forhead 3 seperate times until she was rushed to the ER for fixing! And it was too late really that's why she wears her hair greasy and over her forhead area region!!!
    LISTEN!!!! oh sorry MOM??? OH....
    ...I'm sorry but I'm so busy today catching up at work...I thought I was home for a moment but I'm at work....
    The scrap metal has really piled up here and my boss is furious at me for being away an extra week after the convention ended.
    He does not understand that I had to go off into the woods near South Tahoe, rent a cheap room where I could just get on my knees and pray.... that animals (non human types) don't have souls....WHAT IF THEY DO BETTY??? What If They Got Souls?????
    Ahhhh!!! Kqlxs&*udbmhgb#@akuf!!!!

    A young child came up to me at the convention and whispered to me "THEY GOT FEELINS AND THEY GOTS SOULS THEM CRITTERS...."
    He had that look Betty that look of FULLNESS in his eyes, the kind you see when you meet one of those Asian monk men from that Tidbit place!! You know....Where those biggest mountains are!
    The Free Tidbit land! That child he had those eyes...Filled with truth!!!
    Even with my new packing piece in place and totally bulging out...I got so scared about this idea from the whispering child.... that I cried in my hotel for 6 days. I almost had to go out and bash me up a gay man, but I was too sweaty and smelly from cryin and throwing things around in my room for days on end!!! I didn't wanna have such a rank stank if I met a gay man!!

    Hey, by the way (BTW) B J .... my Church is having a
    Mock Iraq Coyote Kill coming up this weekend up at Lake Arrowhead...Can you bring some women up there so when we do our press interviews its not all just us fat Christian Republican tough guy men? We gotta get more pretty gals killing animals these days or we are doomed....DOOMED.....FINISHED!!!

    God Bless DICK!!!

    Cheney!!!

    SportsManly Yours,

    Philbert

     
  • At 10:05 AM PST, Blogger Betty Jo Goering said…

    Philbert, sure I kin russle up some women hunters for your outing. Sounds like you like huntin with the menfolk only just fine though. You should tell yer mom to start mindin' her own damn bizness and quit buggin you when your tryin to post to your most exsellent blogspot!

    I always wanted to go to Tidbit, but my man says its all full a monkeys and monk-folk with shaved heads and that ain't my type of folks.

    I hope you went out and bashed up a gay man instead of cavin into that childs eyes, mister. Us hunters gotta stay tough - Jesus wants it that way. Remember, the Lord said "suffer the little children." So's I make 'em suffer ever chance I git.

     
  • At 3:40 PM PST, Anonymous Diane Rhea said…

    There is something really wrong with that Mrs. Humanzee. She looks more like a man than a woman. Maybe a little shave and some make-up? I don't know. That's one ugly ass lady.

    But those stuffer dicks are sort of a great idea. I bet the Humanzees are raking in the bucks. Do any lesbians order them? Just wondering.

     
  • At 3:41 PM PST, Anonymous jesuslove said…

    is this site for real?

    you should all be shot for shooting animals... and Jesus loves animals more than fatty republican assholes like you are.

    i'm going to pray for you anyhow.

     
  • At 4:56 PM PST, Anonymous chublover said…

    Wow, that's some disturbing shit dude. Are you gay or what. Are you wearing Mrs. Humanzees thing in the white elvis suit. if so, it looks sort of funny.

    I dunno, is this site real? I think it is because you wrote a letter to Cheney and all.

    You shouldn't make fun of our leaders, it really isn't Christian and neither is killing animals for JEsus. I think Jesus would let a animal live

     
  • At 4:56 PM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh, I'm so handsome in my Elvis Suit! Kiss me! Give me attention!

     
  • At 3:23 AM PST, Blogger Philbert Suggs said…

    Dear Diane,

    Are you for really? Are you saying that Estella is unattractive? On what basis?
    She does in facts happens to be too dark for my taste, but she is a rather good looking woman despite the darker features that could be considered His Panic in ethnical terms.But she is very much a looker!!!!
    For instance when Estella goes hunting with her husband or sometimes with out him she is usually the only female among many male hunters. Because she is considered to be so attractive by the many men hunters she is always given her own tent or cabin as the case may be. And when her husband is out hunting with her he always sleeps in the tent with other men rather than his ravashing wife Estella. She is considered such the beauty that her husband Big White Hat is afraid the other men will be filled with jealousy and ENVY and so to keep things peacful while hunting and with so many loaded guns around Big White Hat sleeps with other men. No LESBIANS are an abomination to our Nation and will travel to the darkest firey hell holes!! They do not wear the packing gear...mainly because they are not real! Lesbians are like Santa Clause they only exist in the minds of children. Adults like myself no better than to believe in such myths. DON'T EVER ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT DYKES AGAIN!!!!!

    Dear Jesuslove,

    You are a heathen for putting Jesus and love together like this! Jesus was a man, a big man who fought for the rights of other men to find him so they could be saved into his world of.....uhmmmmm hold on uhhhmmmm!!!
    The point is is if you don't except Jesus he will damn your behind to hell and kick your ass over and pver for eternity!! That's not about Love!

    Dear Chub Lover,

    I wont even waste my time with you! I refuse to comment on your evil comment of temptation!!!
    You are obviously one of those men who are asking about my Gayness level because you are wanting me! My robust, vigerous lifestyle makes many homo men try to seduce me to go with them to places! I know you might even be Satan who has done this to me before.....I will not even reply to your sick e-comment!!!

    PHILBERT (angry) but Strong and RIGHT!!!!!

     
  • At 3:32 PM PST, Anonymous bobjonesu said…

    Those dead bunnies sure look tasty. Killed any red squirrels lately? I think those are popular in Texas and Kentucky (you know, them hick states).

    Do you ever eat raccoons? I just saw one crawl out of the sewer last night and even though that sucker is cute I wonder if he's tasty too.

     
  • At 2:38 PM PST, Anonymous bigwhitehattie said…

    Man, this is one gay sight. Bwaaaaa ha ha ha haaaaaaaa!

     
  • At 7:43 AM PST, Blogger will nauser said…

    PS I'm curious about your views on darting animals with contraceptives to keep down the populations of certain species Personally I'm all for it but am interested in how you see it Woody

     
  • At 2:50 PM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "Thinking from the Penis"

    Yes, now I understand how you hunters mull up the strength to kill animals cluelessly staring you in the face, basking in the sunshine and nurturing their young...Thinking from the penis is manly.. and since your peni are not large enough for you to muster up the macho on your own, stuffing is a good route for you. Now, I understand how you do it. I like the "Johnson" model.

    yours truly,
    fluffy beaver..

     
  • At 5:20 PM PST, Blogger Robot Buddha said…

    Philbert: What the sam hell's going on! I didn't order any of this nonsense and already strange "packages" are appearing at my PO box and the Hummanzees are saying that "they know where I live and the ones close to me", or something like that and that they want me to pay up. They put up a partially nude self-portrait I did FOR MY EYES ONLY on Esmerlda's site!!! Where did they get it! I'm a private person!

    I DIDN"T ORDER ANYTHING! Am I going to have to invoke the "Defense of Womens Act" anti-cyberstalking laws or contact the ATF/CIA/USDA and FEMA over this?

    Clear this up! Don't you have a customer service department?

     
  • At 3:19 PM PST, Anonymous notamouse said…

    I think fluffy beaver's right. The "Johnson" is definitely the best-made model. Does that come with the pee tube?

     
  • At 3:20 PM PST, Blogger Betty Jo Goering said…

    I hear tell the Hummanzees is a tough group, Robot. So's my advise to you is to pay up mister. You prolly ordered them johnsons anyway. Damm libruls are sneaky 'bout everthang.

     
  • At 5:26 PM PST, Blogger The Catskill Chronicle said…

    hehehhe roflmao.

    I don't need the social crutch this gadget provides.

    When I 'unpack', animals from the size of antelope up to grizzley are stunned by the concussion of the air displaced by 'it'.

    Al

     
  • At 3:15 AM PST, Blogger Philbert Suggs said…

    Dear Al,

    This is a good Christian site. A family blog! It is a G-rated siteblogpage as well and I would appreciate you not discussing gross ungodly things as your passing gas... even if it is out in the woods and you are rendering animals helpless.
    Yes, I know of that technique and how it is used by many natural conservation style hunters like the Raw Meat eaters Gas n Gun club. yet, butt I would very much appreciate it if you would refrain from such vile nasty mentions of bodily functions. I want my blog to be of good moral conservative values. So please just stick with the killing animals subject of this blog....or packing ones pants for manly size and confidence, which is the subject of this post!

    God Bless Ye Al.

    Philbert

     
  • At 11:28 AM PST, Blogger Betty Jo Goering said…

    Man, you sure get some FREAKS up in here, Philbert. I cain't believe that Al guy, talkin about fartin and killin animals with farts. Us women don't like hearin that kinda shit.

    Damn, don't that mofo know this is a God Fearin' PURE site without no evil allowed? Jesus Lord Help us!

     
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  • At 6:51 PM PDT, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Nikon is a HUGE backer of Safari Club International and they make hunting gear. Boycott them.

    Carl Zeiss also funds Safari Club.

     

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